Trust and Secrets: The two things in families that make or break the familial bond.

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Trust is the one thing that families should be able to take for granted. Trust born from love, from the belief that each member knows the other because they have lived together, seen the weakness and strength of each other. Having faith in each other means there is trust in theirselves, in their judgements, in the confidence that they are implicitly correct in that conclusion. But of course trusting can be the automatic option, the unquestionable. It also avoids any confrontation between siblings, parents, relatives. It means that every one can get on with their lives, not having to think too hard about the actions of everyone else in the family. It’s taken for granted that each believes whatever they are told. Don’t question. In turn it’s accepted that each can also reveal whatever they want to disclose about themselves, their thoughts, their actions. And take for granted that they are believed.

There is only one problem with that premise. Everyone is alone in their heads. No one (whatever anyone believes to the opposite) can read minds. What we present to the world, the façade we choose to show is our decision.

 And that is where the secrecy comes in. Although it’s undeniable that every family has its secrets, it’s the substance of them that count. Of course secrets can also be trivial, small, kept in a loving way (a celebratory surprise, a present) or as a kindness, hiding something that is better kept under wraps if the person keeping it believes that.

On the other hand, harrowing, life-changing secrets can damage an entire family for some time. Even forever. Those kinds of secrets break that instinctive trust, that belief that those closest to us, who we love and respect, are truthful. Are not lying.

Families can be complicated. That’s an obvious statement. And where there are families with secrets, there are stories. And these are the stories that are at the root of all my books.

Links:

The Stranger in my House

The Memory

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25 thoughts on “Trust and Secrets: The two things in families that make or break the familial bond.”

  3. That is so powerful, so moving, so evocative. Writing at its very best. It speaks for itself and doesn’t need my glowing recommendation – but it has it anyway. xx

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  9. Thanks, Judith. I love to learn about authors’ process of creation and the seeds that turn into stories. And you’re right about families. Family relationships are an unending source of inspiration and everybody can empathise and immediately understand what is at stake. Good luck!

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  10. A well deserved wonderful book, on with i thank you to be reminded, Judith! I am working out some similar situation you’d written about, so i am sure the book will help me to understand some things better. I am late but on this occasion let me wish you a wonderful New Year! xx Michael

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